The Quiet Place

The crisp, cold, night air blows across her face, through her hair, kisses the nape of her neck and then drifts down the back of her coat. The sound of the wind and crunch of her footsteps in the snow brings solace to her. It drowns out the things that brought her to this sidewalk. As she walks she doesn’t look back. She picks up the pace as her house, her street, her block slowly disappears. She is in a world all her own. Nothing else matters but her, their worries and cares fade the further she gets from the phone, the computer, and their voices. The only thing that matters right now is the sounds around her. She loves the way the wind lovingly blows kisses. She relishes the sound of her boots on the snow.

With every step a worry falls off. With every step she cares less about what happened before she put on her coat and tied her shoes. This is her quiet place and she refused to bring any of that with her. In this place she is not superwoman. In this place she doesn’t have to be all things to all people. As the wind caresses her face and the sound of the crunching snow melts away her worries, but only for that few moments in time it’s all about her. This time helps her not to forget about her. Not again, she’s done that before. So worried about them, they, and us she lost her in the shuffle. The cares of the world overpowered and almost completely erased the woman, her needs, and her destiny. She spent her time getting your dreams off the ground. She spent her time encouraging you to succeed. She spent her time putting back together the pieces of shattered hopes, broken promises, and wounded hearts. She wears the mask well doesn’t she? No one suspects, no one sees that she is broken too. Broken, tattered, and worn with your cares and hers. Today for these few stolen moments the sound of wind, that car whizzing by, or that dog barking nearby drowns out the “I needs”, “I wants”, and “Can yous” of everyone. For these few moments she focuses on the woman she is or was or is going to be. For those few moments she is the most important thing in the world.

As her street, then her block, finally her house come into view she slowly puts back on the mask. She sheds the carefree feeling she so cherishes. She braces herself for the onslaught of the things she left behind while she chased the wind. One step, two steps, the brief stroll to the door…she turns the knob…she whispers, “Goodbye old friend” to the wind, “See you soon,” smiles and becomes superwoman once again.

Silent Screams

The house is dark and quiet the only sound heard is running water and the low hiss and crackle of a lone burning candle. Everyone is gone to bed but her; there she sits on the floor of the shower knees drawn to her chest, water washing over her head. She can’t feel the hot tears running down her face they are being flooded away by the steady stream of water across her skin and down the drain. She doesn’t know how long she’s been there, it’s been quite some time because the water no longer burns her skin as she attempts to wash away the worries of the world. Wait, is that a sneeze, is someone there…she tunes it out and is glad she remembered to lock the door this time. She needs this time it’s all she has left. It’s the only thing holding back the hopelessness that is slowly creeping into her existence. Then she feels it. It burns in her stomach, up her chest, through her lungs. Now her throat finally her tongue. It’s the scream that longs to escape. Escape and exclaim to the world her fear, her anger, and her frustration… But, again like always she chokes it down, closes her eyes, takes a breath and stands. As she stands and turns off the water she wills herself to put one foot in front of the other. She wills herself to walk past that medicine cabinet and leave that bottle she has tucked away in the back just in case it gets to be too much. That bottle that holds them. Them, her “little magic” she calls it…one numbs it, two lulls it into a peaceful sleep, and all will end it for good. What is it? It is the pain, the hurt, all the feelings that make the days seem long and the nights cold. Not today she whispers to them as she wraps her towel and blows out the candle. As she leaves and closes the door she still feels the scream, drops one last tear, and whispers again…”Not today.”

A Response

First I need to say something… I started blogging just because. No real rhyme, no real reason except maybe to have a place to vent or have my voice heard on some things. But, in order for this blog to be worthwile (at least for today) I need to be transparent for a moment…

A comment was posted to my last post and as I started to answer it in the little reply box I found that I had more to say than that little box could hold so here it goes…

@rwlyonsjr,

The answer to your question is fear, laziness, and procrastination. That has always been the case with me (sad that I can actually admit it and be okay with it). I have been known to start project after project and rarely finish. I will get going and be all gung ho till it seemingly gets boring, is no longer a challenge, or I have realized that I bit off more than I can chew. I know that I am not the only person out there like this (so put ya shocked face away). But, I hope by me airing my dirty laundry someone will be delivered, healed and set free. My prayer is that this happens for everyone who reads this identifies and wants to be set free. There are very few things in my life that I have actually done on a consistent basis besides the things necessary to survive each day. You know things like take a bath, brush my teeth, be mom (supermom, whole ‘nother post), and everything else it takes to keep the heat off me. I have lived consistently to “almost survive”. But, somewhere along the line “almost” has to become not enough.

I don’t want to almost get into heaven. I don’t want to almost be a mom, sister, daughter, business owner, youth pastor, or friend. I can no longer be a victim of fear, laziness, or procrastination. I have to, I need to draw the line somewhere and do something to change that. The really sad thing is this place is miserable. It’s horrible and probably why I am so depressed all the time. What is even crazier is I know this and have yet to consistently do anything to change it.

There are a lot of people out there just like me. We live everyday hoping by some miracle we will wake up with the ultimate plan to fix everything in 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, or 1 blink. But, it doesn’t happen like that. We have to want it enough to stick it out no matter what and do this thing or die trying…

Seeing Clearly

During my last post I talked about implementing a prayer and fast schedule to deal with some of the issues in my life. Well, started that and so far it’s been rough. Seeing the real you can be challenging, scary, sad, and for some disastrous. This whole process has caused me to:

Reevaluate My Life Plan

Eliminate Some Stressors (people, places, and activities)

Get My House in Order

Make Some Hard Decisions

Make Some Necessary Sacrifices

The whole key to this (BTW, I am learning the hard way) is consistency. Consistency is/has been/was a bad word for me. There is little consistency in the important areas of my life. I can easily consistently eat, sleep, and watch television. But, consistently study, pray, worship, praise, huh, what, what happened? Yeah, exactly…I suck at that part. But, prayerfully I will turn this around. I will keep you posted on that journey.