Quote of the Day

I saw this and had to share it…

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” Gloria Naylor

Doing the Right Thing

This weekend I began a journey that I have:

1.  Started and stopped twice

2. Gave up on and said I wasn’t doing it (actually said, “I’m good on this FOREVER!”)

3. Messed it up and thought it was unredeemable

4. Thought it was not for me and ignored and sabotaged it

This time I have a heads up on the pitfalls.  This time I am serious, this is do or die (I was told to “Piss or get off the pot).  I am excited!! I am praying about this and trying to make the right choices and moves. So far so good, one small hurdle but working on that.  This is something I really want, need, and desire to manifest.  It’s frustrating when God gives or shows you something and it doesn’t manifest.  Most of the time is because we move out of season, don’t get the total plan from Him, or just want to do it our way.  Well, I found that none of that works. It just breeds failure, disappointment, sin, and discouragement.

I finally realized that this part of my life is necessary.  I need this to move forward.  This is a reward and not a punishment.  It is beneficial.  I know it is going to cost me something, but I am more than willing for the sacrifice.  Really it’s worth it.  Everything connected to me is hinged on this coming to fruition.

I am not telling ANYONE what this is…till everything is concrete…till the fruit is evident…till the foundation is set…till I feel like it.  So, don’t ask, just watch and wait.  You’ll know soon enough.

More Than Enough…

I was listening to one of my favorite songs today (thanks ShaWanda..this link will take you to it) and after a conversation with my bud Rachel (thanks to u 2) it finally dawned on me… His Love Is More Than Enough For Me. Situations, circumstances, and people come and go but, God is eternal. He will always be there for me. In every situation, highs, lows, successes, and failures…He is right there to pat me on the back or pick up the pieces. So many times in life I have looked for everything or everybody to fill voids, have my back, or be the light in dark places in the end I have found that no one/thing can do it but Him. He knows all things even the things I haven’t spoken. I don’t even have to say a word, I don’t have to say a thing and He knows exactly what to do or what to say.

So if you are like me and looking for answers. If you are looking for help. If you are looking for something or someone to lean on. Try Jesus. Cry out to Him. I am and I found that…He will never forsake any of your needs. He is always providing and watching out for you. You’ll never have to worry that He’ll turn His back on you. Trust and know that His love is more than enough for you. He is everything that you need.

Personal Time

For the past few days I have been spending time doing the things that I like to do. Hanging with friends and the kids. A friend and I were talking yesterday and I realized that my life has been centered on agendas. There was always something that had to be done. Everyday I was running here and there, doing this and that, and some how life got lost. I don’t have a life. Now, that I have stopped being so busy, I forgot what I like to do. So, lately I have been just doing whatever brings a smile, hanging with the kids mostly, and catching up with old friends. (side note: I am a little excited about the old friend thing too…my best friend through most of my teen and college years just moved back to the city and we have a lot to catch up on. I can’t wait till she meets Britt, they are so much alike….rude, lol.)

I was looking at the summer schedule for the local parks and rec centers and I have a laundry list of stuff I want to do. There are a ton of free classes I want to take. This weekend I am going fishing. Hopefully it won’t be too cold. There is a free clinic that is teaching kids how to fish and we are going. My kids already know how to fish but it doesn’t hurt to learn some more. Tai Chi is next. I am seriously looking at gardening. They have a container garden class next week. So, watch out…Cice is on the move.

I realized this week that I have forgotten how to relax. I was at a friend’s house this weekend and I was losing my mind because I didn’t have anything to do. I kept asking hey can I help with that or you need me to do anything. The response was always a resounding “NO,” the only thing I was allowed to do was relax. There was cooking going on, the kids were outside playing, but I was sitting down in the lazyboy watching TV. I was frustrated because I didn’t have an assignment.

For the past few days all I have been hearing is…RELAX Cice, I got this. It’s really hard to let somebody else have it when you always had it. But, I am learning. It’s not easy. It is so uncomfortable. But, it is necessary. My Super Woman cape is crumbling, slowly.

Normalcy

I am finding out that after near tragedies it is slow getting back to normal. I am wondering if there is a normal after what I’ve been through recently. It’s just weird. I am trying to get used to people treating me differently. Half of the people I have encountered thus far are so uncomfortable. They are either searching for answers or just don’t know what to say. I am trying really hard to put this behind, heal, and move on but it slow going. So slow it’s really frustrating. A lot has changed and a lot hasn’t. The funny thing is the things I was running from on that Monday are still here, but I just look at them and smile now. I am smiling a lot more here lately. Most times just smiling to keep from crying. I am learning that laughter is my medicine, it’s the catalyst for my healing. So, if you see me break out in random laughing…don’t worry, I am not cracking up. I am just putting the Neosporin on some wounds. Some of you need to be laughing with me.

All this has mended, ended, and changed some relationships. Almost losing someone causes some people to focus on what really matters, realize what they have, lost or almost lost and fight to keep or not to lose it again. Everyday I get a phone call or email that rattles me…just for a moment. God is restoring some relationships and terminating others. I am not worried though, it’s all for my good. What God wants He gets, so no use in fighting it. I have a few unhealthy relationships that needed ending…and some people I had cut off prematurely so, we shall see who makes the cut and who doesn’t.

I have a new outlook on life. I have a plan. I have focus. I am determined. I guess that’s all I really need to make it out of this. There are some awesome things getting ready to happen.

How You Wake Up…

I started this blog to be a light. To be a glimmer of hope. To be the extra umph, to someone who was where I am/was/going. I wanted it to be the place where someone, anyone could see that they too could make. A place where you saw answers. A place where you got solutions. A place where you were recharged. I didn’t want this to be like any other blog…just random thoughts. Sometimes I hit the mark and sometimes I just don’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that this blog is here. I doesn’t change the fact that I have something to say. It doesn’t change the fact the I have something to say that may change the world. So, today I have something I really need to share. For the last few days I have been debating on doing this…till just now at 1:52 am when I woke up…

Monday was the lowest day of my life. I woke up and all I saw was a sea of dispair. There was no hope in sight. There was nothing anybody could say or do to change that. It was a done deal…all hope was lost. Monday afternoon I SuperMom. I Miss I Can Do It All. Miss I Got This. Miss I’m Good…attempted to take her life. I took a half bottle of pills, sat down, closed my eyes and waited to leave here forever. But, some time during that I had a brief moment and called someone to let them know what I had done. Everything is still hazy, I am getting bits and pieces back everyday. But, needless to say…I AM STILL HERE. God had other plans. It wasn’t quite my time yet. No matter how much I wanted to leave here God said NO!!!

I went to bed last night and I had a better outlook on things, still a little worried, but I knew it was going to be better. I had talked to some friends, looked over some bible study notes and things weren’t looking so bleak anymore. But, this is what I wanted to tell you. While I slept I had the silliest dream. It was about some ducks. It was like a little cartoon playing my head just for me. There was anything spooky deep just a simple story about some ducks. But, the thing that made me want to run was…I woke up smiling. I actually woke up with a smile on my face. It was odd. It was different. I had to laugh at first, then I had to ask God what that was all about. And His answer was so simple…I want you to focus Cice, focus on How You Woke Up. I woke up! Not only did I wake up, but I woke up happy. None of the stuff that I went to sleep was on my mind. None of the worries that I went to sleep with mattered. At that very moment in time all that had my attention was the smile on my face. And now my question to you is…How will you wake up?

I am on a mission to live everyday like it is my last. I am done worrying about this or that. It is what it is. I can’t worry about tomorrow, it’s not even promised to me. But, every morning I WAKE UP, is brand new. I am going to start living. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – Seize the day, trust as little as possible in tomorrow. So, tell me, sound off… How will you wake up?!!?

Will Power

She rushes out of the room willing her face to hold it together. Her mask is slowly crumbling, with every step it gets a little harder. The events of the hour, the day, the week, the month have brick by painful brick demolished the shelter of her deepest secret. The secret she tried so hard to keep. The silent truth that now has her reduced to a ball of tears on a public bathroom floor. She hid it well; by all appearances she seemed to have it all together. Her coworkers still sitting in the meeting were oblivious to the fact that her façade of a life was falling apart. As they decided the fate of the company over danishes and coffee, her life was in shambles. Shambles held together by emotional duct tape and sheer willpower.

This morning she didn’t deviate the regular routine. She rose early, struggled through prayer, this day was difficult, so much had transpired it was difficult to focus. She had so many questions, she wondered why it seemed her prayers were unanswered. Why did it hurt so much? Why wasn’t it getting better? When would her change come?

She musters the strength to get up, wash her face, paste on that “Everything is OK” smile, and continue through the day. But, any deviation left or right and she would fall apart. She had no strength left. Her will to fight was just about gone. She thought that if she just kept up with the motions she would be okay. Get up, go to work, pick up the kids…being busy. Busy, hushed the feelings of hopelessness. Being busy, soothed the pain. All the busyness fooled her head and heart into thinking it was fixed. It was finished. It had all gone away.

Soon, busy wasn’t enough. That little bottle was calling. It was telling her the answers lay in the bottom of that little brown abyss. If you’d only take them all…all of them would make it go away. But, she settled for one. Just one drowned out the pleading. Just one lulled her to a peaceful sleep where she couldn’t hear them calling. The will power was dying, the duct tape falling off. The fight almost lost…

Struck Again

Yes they have…the trash can bandits have struck again.  This time they came in the fence and stole the can out of the yard. Right next to my back porch. They are really bold.  If my special kids would leave the locks on the darn fence we wouldn’t have this problem.  But, heck if they will do right.  I was without a trash can for about a week the last time.  I have the neighbors from hell.  And I wish they would go away.

I am going to buy a chain and chain the can to the back porch.  Let’s see if they get it again. I guess I am going have to call the city again on Monday, file another police report, and wait to get a new can.  As soon as the sun comes up the kids will be outside putting the locks back on the fence.  The part that burns me is I will have trash piled up till we get a can.  I can’t put it outside because the darn squirrels and alley cats get in the bags.  Ughhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  This bites!!!

Empty

I am about to empty out my daughter’s room. I mean all the way down to just a bed.  No toys, no clothes, no nothing.  She will have one outfit that she will be wearing till Jesus comes back. I don’t care.  Her room is a disaster area.  Has been since we moved into the house.  She won’t pick up anything.  If her life depended on it she would perish.  She was supposed to go to a sleepover this weekend but I canceled that plan because she had a WHOLE WEEK to clean her room and she didn’t.  She is really mad about it.  Guess what I DON’T CARE!!!

She came out lucky.  I had to sit down and type this blog to vent to keep from killing her.  I really get tired of saying the same thing over and over again.  She acts as if she is deaf or mentally retarded.  But, I got her number today.  I am/was so mad I was shaking.  So, that shows my level of pisstivity right now.  I am giving her 30 minutes to get it done.  If it is not it is all going in the trash.  Every bit of it, I kid you not.  She needs a real live wake up call.  So, when you see her and she has always has on her school uniform you will know why.  I am done writing still haven’t calmed down though. So, ya’ll better pray or I will be on the news. You might ride by and she is sleeping on the porch in a lawn chair.

Wash Day

I am just a little frustrated right now.  My kids in their efforts to make sure they have their favorite clothes for the weekend started washing on Wednesday.  They couldn’t wait till I got to them last night and today.  I go downstairs and saw the random baskets and loads laying around and immediately got mad angry.  I know that is harsh and they were only trying to help out but here is my dilemma… I don’t know what is clean and what is dirty. They aren’t folded or anything…there are 3 baskets sitting in front of the washer and one load chillin’ on the dryer (not in it on it).  This is about the 2nd week this has happened and I just wound up washing/rewashing it all last time.  Nobody will own up to the loads or they don’t remember if they washed it or not.

I am mad because my water bill is already over $200, it’s a total waste of soap powder, and a waste of man power.  I am seriously thinking about banning the fam from washing.  Or at least enforce the system.  Maybe if the punishment was you had to wear dirty clothes all week they might stick to the rules.  But, I don’t think I could take that punishment.  The smell would drive me nuts.  I guess I should be happy because I finally got them to wash a full load instead of just that one piece they needed.  So we shall see how this all plays out.