Restless

I am about explode over here. I am about to blow a gasket. You ever got that feeling where you can’t just sit still and it you have to it is unbearable. I now know how children or adults for that matter that have ADD or ADHD feel. I am about two seconds from jumping out my skin. And no it is not a sugar rush. I don’t know what it is. I guess I need to add it to the laundry list of strange symptoms I have. The devil do lie, I am not crazy nor am I sick. I need a job so I can burn all this energy.

This is annoying cuz I am trying to write and I can’t concentrate like this. I have a major mind dump to do into this project so I can call it a night. really random note: BTW, that thing I blogged about here well turned into two projects…one of which is shot to hell and the other rolling at 90 mph. I am excited. See I need to go to bed and guess what I am, cuz now my laptop is acting like it is on crack (the good kind). I have typed the same word like 5 times and the letters won’t come up.  Good Night, this is crazy. And yes I do know that this was really random.  And NO I am not on drugs, lol.  Seriously, I am not on drugs. But, after reading this I may be committed next week.

The Cycle

“You can’t ignore it forever,” a still small voice says, “You’ll have to answer it eventually.” She looks down at the Caller ID, “Dang, it’s him.” The call she promised she would not answer. Answering meant she might give in again. Answering meant that she would compromise and allow him into her heart…again. Didn’t he know, didn’t he understand that this was killing her? That as much as she loved him she couldn’t live this way anymore. She’d explained it time and time again. Was there a foreign language spilling from her lips, her heart, and her soul each time she said…”If you can’t love me let me go.” She said it with her eyes every time she’d seen him. She’d said it with her heart every time she appeared on his doorstep. She said it with her mouth the last time she answered…

The phone stopped ringing breaking her concentration. As the machine kicks on she leaves the room. Hearing that voice made it hard. Hearing that voice broke her heart into pieces. Hearing that voice made her forget every promise she had ever made to herself…to God. She promised to stop being to him (mind, body, and soul) everything a ring entitled. That circle of forever. That circle of commitment. That circle of covenant. It was something he wasn’t ready to give, but ready to reap the benefits of. Something that she knew he’d never give, there was no incentive to.

Broken, she presses the button, sits down in defeat and listens…”I miss you, I need you, please call me.” She picks up the phone; she holds it for what seems like hours, debating. The voice of her conscience pleading. Her spirit screaming. Her heart breaking…she dials and waits. He answers, “Hello, hello…are you there?” Finding her voice, looking for strength, praying the phone would die…she finally answers, “Yes, I’m here. You called?” She listens to the apologies, the promises, the pleading, and the lies. In her heart, she knows the truth. She knows the consequences of the actions she’s about to take…

Purse, jacket, keys…dignity…oops that’s all gone. She’d lost that the minute she said ok. The minute she gave into the empty promises. The minute she believed all the lies. But, she loved him. This was all she knew. If she kept trying, he would change. He would love her. He would commit. Tonight she would make him see, understand, believe she was all he would ever need. Her conscience, her spirit screaming, “But at what cost?” As she climbed the stairs, she knew…No turning back. She wanted to run, but why didn’t she. She wanted to say, “No, I deserve more. I deserve better.” But, deep down she did not believe that. She could not comprehend the concept of being worth more. He was all she had and would ever get. At least that what she thought. It’s what she believed.

She knocks, the door opens…an invisible tear slides down her cheek. Another part of her dies. Her heart crumbles. She plasters on a smile, walks in… hoping, wishing, and praying that tonight it would be different. Tonight he’d make her dreams come true. In her heart, she knew it was just a sequel to her nightmare.

The Mantra

Sunlight peeks through the curtains signaling that a new day has dawned. The alarm clock blares letting her know that the covers that so lovingly caressed her would be relinquished in ten minutes. The routine that she had followed for as long as she could remember would start as soon as her feet hit the floor. She lays there staring at the ceiling going over her daily schedule…get the kids off, shower, dress, check email, return calls, hit the pavement…today was no different than any other. Today she had a new confidence; she would be employed by sundown. Running through her head was the mantra that fueled her faith…TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY…continuously it ran, like the energizer bunny, compelling her faith to grow, to prosper, to live.

Kids on the bus…check. Showered…check. Dressed…check. Emails…sweat beads on her forehead as she opens her laptop. Each day she gets one more rejection, one more reason to give up, one more reason to think He gave up on her. “TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY” cycles through her mind as she types in her password. She trembles while she waits for the inbox to appear. “TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY” she recites silently as she sips her coffee, those few moments seem like hours, the anticipation is driving her nuts. There is a steady beep as the messages appear in her box, reading the subject lines she hopes, wishes, prays that today will be the day—“TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.” Click, click, click…Thank you for your interest in xxx but at this time…she’d seen it so many times that she could recite it without looking. “I am not going to cry today”, out loud she says, willing herself to believe it, trying to revive her faith, trying to forget the emails she just opened…TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!!

Keys, purse, briefcase…resumes—ten to be exact, “Alright let’s go.” As she turns the key in the ignition, she says a silent prayer half hoping, half begging for “TODAY TO BE A GOOD DAY.” Two interviews today, one yesterday, and five the week before and still nothing. Nevertheless, still “TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.” As she drives she glances at the gas hand…wow, almost in the orange…empty looming in the corner. She remembers the $5 she had in her purse, the negative in her bank account, and the few meals left in her freezer yet she still chants, “TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.” She’s not borrowing another dime…not making another pleading phone call… “TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.”

As she parks the car she plasters on the interview face, plays out the interview questions in her head, listens to the last bar of “Falling” silently thanking those boys for such prophetic words. She gets out the car, puts one confident foot in front of the other and says again….TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY…

TMTCTMTSTS

The More Things Change the More They Stay the Same.

Change- we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We can either adapt to change or we can be left behind. It hurts to grow and sometimes it hurts to change, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. I am realizing there is a funny truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. I had a very interesting day yesterday, an interesting conversation kept me up most of the night. It was one of those nights that I usually would handle by getting in the car and just driving. But, last night was Walmart walk worthy. It was 1AM and all I wanted to do was walk my favorite store and think. I didn’t get to do that. My mind is still racing from the conversation that had me up most of the night.

I was talking to a friend last night and I was forced to face…I need to take this time to say something that so many people have been wondering…Last night I had to admit and come to a honest truth about something. On Monday, April 21st, I attempted to take my life. I quit fighting. I took a bottle of pills, sat down, and asked God to let me die. Everyone connected to me is/was floored no one knew why. No one understood why the person who seemingly had it together. The one who despite all the drama in her life always pulled through. Every test, every trial I seemed to get through, bounce back and on the grind again. But, on the inside slowly dying. Around February of this year I hit rock bottom. Right out of nowhere. I couldn’t even tell you how I got there. I have no idea what triggered this episode. I had money in my pocket, everything was good. And my world just came crashing down around me. For about a week I shut out the world, the only sign of the despair I was feeling. But, then seemingly bounced right back from that. Everyone thought I was ok, I looked ok, sounded ok, no alarms, no bells or whistles signaling any problems. I put up a really good front. Each day it got harder and harder to put on the mask. The day before I participated in the usual routine, but in the back of my mind planning my demise. I had been thinking about it for weeks. I wasn’t totally convinced about doing it. I was medicating so I would sleep. As long as I slept I wasn’t thinking about it. As long as I slept I made it through another day.

Last night as I was talking to a friend and they were telling me how different we were. How I had it together and they didn’t. How they felt like they were a stumbling block because they didn’t have it together. And I had to reveal something…I had to share what pushed me over the edge a few weeks ago. I am a PRETENDER. I am a fake, a phony, an impostor. Something most of us are but are afraid to openly admit. We look the part but deep down we really aren’t what we appear to be.

I was/am/is very good at looking like, sounding like I have it together. I was taught very well…Never let them see you sweat. People can’t see you fall apart, somebody has to hold it together. All eyes are on you. If they see you lose it, they just may loose it. They look up to you. They depend on you. You can fall apart but only behind closed doors. You can only fall apart in front of those who understand, have your back, or will keep your secret. I seen and heard a lot of things to cover the fact that we are all human. We all have our moments. We don’t always have it together. Transparency may just be the fuel to someone else’s breakthrough. Somebody may need to know that you’ve been there and made it through. Someone may need to know that there is victory at the end of their trial. I remember something a wise man once told me…You can’t lead where you don’t go and you can’t teach what you don’t know. Some times seeing is believing.

From now on I will be as transparent as I need to be. If more of us were a lot more people would be helped. So, now for my disclaimer…If my transparency offends or appalls you…GET OVER IT!!! It’s not about you. It’s not even about me. You don’t have to read my blog so, if you don’t like it don’t read it. Wow, isn’t that easy. One final thought….

Sometimes, change is good..sometimes, change is … everything

Free WiFi?

Just a random thought…

Why is it that so many other restaurants offer free WiFi, but McDonald’s is charging $2.95 for 2 hour time blocks? Seems just a little outrageous to me…McD’s you get a “F”. It’s funny because a local mom-pop type restaurant around the corner from me has free WiFi…they may get 20 customers a week (the food is nasty), but they have free WiFi…hmmmmm

Believe

Hey all, I have been quiet here lately. I have been trying to figure out some things…trying to get back on track…trying to see…It is a little foggy over here. I was reading today, searching the Word for a few answers to some tough questions I have right now…I just opened my bible and this is first passage I read. I linked it in The Message because it made it so plain. Verses 9 & 10 really have me going right now…

9″Don’t be ornery like a horse or mule that needs bit and bridle to stay on track.”
10God–defiers are always in trouble; GOD-affirmers find themselves loved every time they turn around.

If I do not get it together here real soon, I will have a bit and bridle. I am really trying. Right now, I can get through a day without wanting to die…without wanting to give up. Does it really matter how I got there? Does the avenue to this point really matter? All that matters to me is that I am here…that I have the strength to get out of bed…the strength to be Cicely T. Mabry…for quite some time I didn’t want any parts of that.

For the last 30 minutes I have been listening to a song that explains (just a little) where I am right now… There are some gifted songwriters out there. They have a way of tapping into the feelings of their listeners. When this song plays, I almost feel like he had the full length DVD of my life for the past few months. The song is Help Me Believe by Kirk Franklin. The first verse…wow

I wanna believe. But I’m having a hard time seeing past what I see right now
I wanna be free. But when I try to fly, I realize I don’t know how, no one showed me how
Wish I could see that this mess I’m in will really work out for my good, you said it would
So, if you can hear me, can you give me a sign cause I don’t feel you like I should, please if you could. My faith is almost gone, I can’t hold on much longer, take this cup from me

Yeah, I know I have some real issues…working on that, really I am. I want to leave you with the chorus to think about too…

Help me Believe. Can I believe? Let Me believe. I wanna believe. I’m no good on my own, please give me another chance. It’s hard to believe in what I can’t see. To give you my will cause you’re what’s better for me. You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe…

Really Random

1.  Seeing the true colors of people is enlightening

2.  I have a hankering for a few things right now: cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, and pineapples

3. I haven’t been home in a week

4.  I really need a bed

5. I have an interview on Tuesday

6.  Not having a cellphone doesn’t bother me any more

7. “Leave a message at the beep” is like music to my ears

8. Thrift stores rock…found 6 pair of jeans yesterday

9.  My summer, winter, spring, and fall clothes are all the same

10.  I need a pedicure so I can wear my flip flops

11.  I may sleep in ALL weekend

12.  I appreciate honesty

New Perspective

The recent events in my life have forced me to look at my life, surroundings, people I am connected to, and my priorities in a whole new light. I have learned some good and some bad things. I am facing some awful truths. I am realizing some things need to change. The most prominent thing I have to accept is that things will never be the same. And after a few tears and a little bit of venting I am totally cool with that.

I read a quote today that said, the only people who like change are busy cashiers and wet babies. We tend to respond to change the same way we respond to anything we perceive as a threat: by flight or fight.

Flight–we try to avoid change if we can. Fight, to actively resist change.

But I am taking a different approach to this change by rejecting both flight or flight, I am choosing a better option one that doesn’t avoid change or resist it, but harnesses and guides it.

Change is inevitable. There is nothing I can do about it. The only thing that matters it how I respond to it. Yeah, it’s going to be sad to see some stuff go but it is all a part of the process. Some people may have problems with the changes that are about to happen, but guess what “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!” I am done living my life to please people. I am done caring more about what everybody else thinks more than I do God or me. I have to do me and do it well. I can’t live my life in the box of everybody’s opinion. So, if you don’t like it…keep it to yourself…cuz I could care less…Cice is doing Cice, something she hasn’t done in quite awhile. So, look out world here I come.