It’s That Time Again…

…Mind Dump!!!

1. Caller ID is awesome.

2. Meeting new people is refreshing.

3. I am excited about Women in Jazz tomorrow.

4. I am not going to let anything or anybody cause setbacks in my life.

5. I have to keep telling myself that “We wrestle not against flesh and blood…”

6. Tools of the enemy are on notice.

7. The final nail is in the coffin. This mess dies today.

8. Tried it, it ain’t working, through foolin’ with it.

9. Not going there…I am way too old for that.

10. I hope that chicken never roosts.

11. I am going to need some Depends in a minute…way too funny.

12. “Momma didn’t raise no fool,” finally makes sense to me.

13. Old school preachers are funny. But he sure called this one, never would have seen it coming. Thanks little funny man.

14. Death brings out the drama in people.

Encourage Yourself

I am in a place resurrection. I am resurrecting my faith. My faith is almost dead, it is on life support. I need to know God can do this, right now my faith is almost on “E”. I’ve lost touch and I have to find it again, on my own. The only thing I need is Him. He is the beacon in the storm, my lighthouse, guiding this lost ship to shore. Weak faith is like wondering around in the fog. I hear the fog horn blaring and the light from the lighthouse is in the distance. But, what sense of accomplish, how much faith can I build if somebody else is holding my hand leading the way?

As I sit here typing this, listening to my fav radio station (yes again, it helps me focus) I am reminded that I have to do this, I will do this. He is continually telling that I will make it (He has a funny way of telling me that, if the song plays one more time…). I read something today that made me think…Faith is like navigating a row boat. In a row boat the rower faces the opposite way he is heading. He rows with his back toward the destination. So it is with our faith in spiritual matters. Right now I do not see or cannot touch the shore as I might see or touch the keyboard under my fingers. Rather, I trust that the shore is real and that God cannot lie, I will make it.

The real test of faith, believing without seeing, is in our actions. It is easy to say that we believe this or that, but it is harder to live like we do. It is sort of like driving a car. Saying we believe the car will get us from here to there is a lot less convincing than actually getting in the car and taking the trip.  This isn’t going to be an easy journey.  I am learning all over again how to depend less on me and more on Him.  This is a place I have been fighting but I am here and I will either sink or swim. I have been sinking, treading water when He has been offering a life jacket, but I was just too stubborn to take it.  Well, I got it I am putting it on and zipping it now.  I am back in my rowboat steadily rowing to shore.  My beacon is guiding me, not them, not you, not him or her but God.  Nobody but God can and will steer this leg of the journey.

“Faith rises or falls according to the measure in which we remember the things which are unseen.”

Maurice Roberts

I Know Too Much About Him

Side note: Another moment of transparency with YPCice, uncomfortable for some, therapeutic for me…Brace yourself. God deals with me in a weird way (at least to me) to get His point across sometimes, random songs will come to mind or play on the internet station I listen to.  I know it’s him because the sequence will be just like a conversation.  Well, this is the conversation we had last night. 

I was listening (I do this a lot) to a song today.  It used to be one of my favorites, but I hadn’t listened to it in a while.  My favorite verse of the song goes a little something like this…

I’ve tried God for myself and I know He’s always with me
You can’t tell me that He won’t step in and rescue me
You can’t tell me that He didn’t die to set me free
Don’t try convincing me that God’s nothing everything I need
He’s faithful when others are not
He’s the surest friend I’ve got

Then the chorus is…

I know too much about Him and there’s nothing to make me doubt Him
Just as sure as I have life you can’t change my mind
You can’t tell me nothing I know God for myself

I was moved to tears, I used to sing this song with so much conviction.  I was assured in the words.  I believed them with all my heart, all my soul… Some where along the line over these last few months I have forgotten that. The day I quit, the day I gave up my actions told God that I didn’t believe that any more.  The test of my faith was more than I could handle and I stopped trusting God to be faithful.  He hadn’t failed me in the least, not at all. I remember as a kid when I was learning how to roller skate.  My godmother was skating in front of me holding my hands. She keep saying don’t worry about where you going, what your feet are doing, just let me lead you. She told me to just keep my eyes on her.  Look into her face and it would be okay.  The moment I stopped focusing on her and tried to do it on my own I would fall.  That’s what’s happening with me right now, I took my eyes off Him.  I stopped letting Him lead me, teach me, guide me. I had trusted Him before, I knew enough about Him to know that He would get me to where I needed to be.  That He wouln’td leave or forsake me.  My faith failed. What happened to the conviction?  Where did my trust go?  How did I give up so easily?

As I typed this message #2 comes through (as if #1 wasn’t enough)…

Didn’t I know your fears, didn’t I share your pain?  Didn’t I wipe away the tears, wasn’t I shelter from your rain?  Wasn’t I there for you, wasn’t I always true, didn’t you know that I’d be with you all the way?

 

Didn’t you know, didn’t you know I would?

I guess it had to take me hitting rock bottom to see this. In times of test, in times of trial we can’t forget who truly has our backs.  I was looking for things to work the way Cice wanted them to work.  I tried to coax God into doing it my way and you know that doesn’t work.  I had to go through a truly humbling experience to let Him back at the reigns.  The crazy thing is I am still bucking against it.  Mostly out of fear, fear of the path He is leading me.  Fear of change, fear of not being prepared, fear of [fill in the blank].  But, to Him they are just excuses. He knows victory is at the end of this, I just need to see it.  I need to believe it.  My steps are ordered. 

These may just be words on a page for you but they are my confessions.  My proclamation of my mistakes, my revelation, my hard turn left back on to the path chosen for me. I fell but I am getting back up.  Being on my face in the dirt is not the greatest place to be. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it’s costing me something. I thank God that He is a God of 1st, 2nd, 3rd, ?th chances.  I thank God that He chose me in spite of me.  He chose me in my mess, He didn’t give up on me, even though I had. I thank God that He didn’t let me die that day. I thank God that He sees something in me, even when I see nothing. I thank God that He forgave me, even when I didn’t. And through it all He is still saying, didn’t you know, didn’t you know…

Visitors

Ok, here we go again.  I have a little furry visitor and I am about to go crazy.  There is a mouse in the house and it is taunting me.  I found where it came in at filled that hole with foam.  Then I found where it had been hiding and filled that hole too.  So, now it has no where to go and it keeps running from corner to corner in my living room.  It’s taunting me ya’ll.  I have been walking around with a broom all afternoon.  If I get a clear swing he is toast. Sorry, animal lovers but mice are just nasty.  The only animal I know who can’t hold their bowels. They get scared and pee and boo boo the whole time they running, don’t even stop just leave a trail.  They don’t sweat, they s**t (I read that somewhere and almost pee’d on myself). That’s just nasty.

The funny thing is I have been on the internet trying to find some hints on how to get rid of it.  Well I found on several sites that they don’t like the smell of mint or Irish Spring.  I haven’t gotten the Irish Spring yet but I did spray in peppermint oil around and guess what…. That’s why it is staying in that one area I sprayed every where but there.  Which works because I am on my way to get some sticky traps in a few and my troubles will be over.  I hate mice. I need another cat, ours ran away.  I am going to start feeding the alley cats then they will stay around the yard, maybe that would help.  

Moving is also an option.  Which just may happen…. stay posted I have an offer that I may just take, which means I will be moving by September.  Not saying where yet, you never know it may be out of state, or down the block.  Nanana Boo Boo, I ain’t telling you!!! 

All Out War

I was reading the daily devotional of one of my favorite preachers today and let’s just say conviction is…whew. I say a lot that hindsight is 20/20 well most times if we think or breathe first we will avoid conflict. I posted a mind dump this weekend and one of my thoughts was that venting immediately is important it helps you curse less. Well, I did that on Friday but it was a pent up vent, something I had been holding for a long time and it didn’t go quite well. It wasn’t YPCice’s greatest moment, but boy did it feel good, lol. I have a tendency of holding things in, I call myself the peacemaker, but as my pastor reminds me often, I run from conflict. I really hate it. I really do, so I tend to not say things when I need to and it just festers and makes me miserable. And then one day BOOM, I explode. That’s exactly what happened on Friday.

I also have another problem, I let people get away with way too much. I am super caring and I hate to see others (especially those close to me) hurt, lack, whatever so if I have something you don’t I either share or just give it to you. I know it sounds crazy but it just is. Sometimes it is a give-give relationship (not that I expect anything in return) but others it is a give-take (got quite a few of those). I never say anything I just keep doing what I do and look past the immaturity and selfishness. Some people are just moochers and that’s all they know how to be, they will suck you dry if you let them. I was fed up and like a ticking time bomb BOOM, yeah I exploded. It was ugly. Ok, now back to the devotion I read this morning… he was talking about the conflicts we find ourselves in and our weapons of choice. The military uses something called a “smart” bomb. This bomb is designed to get exactly what the intended target is, less margin for error. But, most times we aren’t using the best “technology” we choose the wrong arsenal we usually go with the “dumb” bomb. It takes out everything in one quick move and usually you right along with it. On Friday after all was said and done, after I got everything I had been wanting to say off my chest, it felt GOOD, really GOOD and I was ready to tackle some of the other moochers. Thank God for small miracles, nobody called and when they did I was too tired to give them a piece of my mind (hey, there aren’t many left anyway).

I chose the “dumb” bomb and the caualities were horrific. I can’t take back any of the things I said and saying I’m sorry probably won’t fix it either. During the whole blow up I remember a comment made to me “I guess I get to see how you “really” feel.” They did and afterwards for a brief time it was refreshing, then my conscience kicked in and I felt bad. Not enough to call and apologize though, I am stubborn. But, God got me on that, I haven’t slept well at all. Then he hits me with the 2 piece in my devotion this morning.

For the past couple days I have been challenged to replay the conversation and recount the things I had said. I have little by little and boy, oh boy was it mean. Then I was reminded that I could have avoided all this and used one powerful statement…”NO!!” I didn’t have to do any of those things but I did them because I cared and that’s all that should matter, right? There is a big lesson in all this and I almost missed it. Never give more than you are willing to give, that’s emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. If you can’t do it and be ok with doing it, don’t. I know it sounds mean, but it’s the truth. If you give, do, be whatever and that is not reciprocated will you be ok with that? Because sometimes you have to do things with the expectation of just doing them. I know I hear you saying do unto others… sometimes there is no tangible reward. You walk away with a good feeling that you did something for someone else and thats it. They may never be there for you or “have your back” but it is what it is. You can rest assured knowing you did a good thing, you can only answer for you.

side note: The rest of my moochers can rest assure I won’t be “cussing” anybody else out. But, get used to hearing a lot of NOs from me. Being a good friend, person, Christian is one thing, but supporting a mooch is just dumb. Your mooch support is cut off. If you are wondering if its you, check the shoe, is it fitting well?

No Longer Strangers

Wow, 2 posts back to back I guess I am on a roll.

This weekend was a… heck I don’t even know how to describe it. I guess I need to give a little background first… My 11 yr old has never met her dad.  6mths into my pregnancy with her he became MIA, the sad part is we live in the same city. His mom lives 2 doors down from the house I grew up in (where my brother now resides), ain’t that a trip. Well, yesterday we went to my brothers to a cookout (my niece graduated from high school).  The block was packed and guess where I had to park, yep you guessed it right in front of her house.  He is staying with her now, been there for a few months.  Well, we were getting out of the car and guess who comes up the sidewalk, him.  I politely sent my daughter on to the house.  I stopped him and we talked briefly and decided it was time for an introduction.  It was bittersweet.  It was weird.  Really weird.  She smiled, told him her name, and extended her hand for a handshake…he was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say.  Typical her she is a little on the strange side.  They kinda stood there for a minute.  He told her a little about himself, she told him some things about her.  Then she looks at me and asks could she go back to her uncle’s (I’m guessing she was ready to eat, eating is her hobby). She says bye and skipped out the door, it was the funniest thing ever. I was nervous because I didn’t know how either would react.  The whole scene was priceless.  I talked to him a little more trying to gauge where he was in life, I haven’t really talked to him in 10 yrs so I have no clue.  I gave him my address and phone number and told him when he was ready he knew where to find us and left.  I asked her how she felt about the whole thing and she laughed and said “I don’t know, he is kinda weird.”

What a weekend… I guess you have to be careful what you pray for. I asked God for closure and clarity on some situations (not this) and he came through alright.  I severed a tie that has had me bound in soooo many ways, made some spiritual decisions, and made a few personal declarations.  Productive yes, easy no.  I know the enemy is pissed and on a last ditch effort to keep me in this crazy place, but he Maaaadddeee that mess up!! I know he is pissed cuz them raggedy headaches have returned, but I got something for them too.  The devil do lie and I refuse to let him get the best of me.  I took a spiritual vacation this morning and visited another church at the coaxing of a friend. It was well worth it, sometimes a change of atmosphere gives clarity.  I was chastised, encouraged, and then charged.  I know what I have to do, now DO IT Cice!!! Oh, BTW I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week and am on the brink of an offer I can’t refuse. Looks like a move is in my future…

Fellowship

I had to blog about this real quick…

I have gotten up for 3-4 mornings straight to the bickering and arguing of my 7 and 11 yr olds.  This morning I had enough so punishment was enforced.  No, I didn’t beat them.  I made them stay inside today with the treat of consecutive days if the didn’t play nice. So far so good they have been two peas in a pod all day.  The were even good during church this morning. Right now they are watching movies and singing. It has been laughs and giggles all day.  I wonder how long this is going to last.

Declaration!!

I was doing my Saturday thing (cleaning) and today I did something I haven’t done in quite a while… I turned on some gospel music.  I have dancing around, singing, things I haven’t done in so long.

BTW I can hardly sit here and type this, I have a dance in my spirit bursting to get out. Hold on, I’ll be right back PRAISE BREAK!!!  

Whew, GLORY!!! Ok I am back, barely able to type this by the end I may be running again.  I couldn’t wait till church tomorrow I had to run right then.  My kids think I am nuts…. JESUS!!!! Oh, wait running again, sorry!!!  Hey, if ya feeling me RUN!!!!!!!

During this, a song came on that I haven’t heard in years and I had to stop think about the lyrics and now here I sit making a DECLARATION!!!!!! Donald Lawrence and Tri-City began singing “I’m Healed” and something struck me… The POWER of life and death are in my tongue.  I have to declare for myself healing. I have been through so much over the last few months.  I keep saying how I want to move on but not once have it made a declaration of healing. I have been just waiting for the feelings to go away.  Singing this song I realized that I am HEALED and I need to walk in it.  The words will be ringing in my head the rest of the day..

I’ve got a story to tell you, ’bout some things that I’ve been through, but I’m healed, Oh I’m Healed!

Had some ups and some downs, level to the ground, but I’m healed, Oh I’m Healed!

 

Had to wrestle all night long, wonderin’ what went wrong, but I’m healed, Oh I’m Healed!

Had some sunshine, some rain, heartache and some pain, I’m healed, Oh I’m Healed!

 

My God has touched me, delivered, He set my soul free!

My heart is mended, I’m whole again, no chains are holding me!

Got my liberty I am Healed! I am Healed, I’m Healed Today!

 

God touched me, delivered, He set my soul free!

My heart is mended, I’m whole again, no chains are holding me!

Got my liberty I am Healed! I am Healed, I’m Healed Today!

 

May have some scars I am Healed! Circumstanes, I’m still Healed! Disappointments, I am Healed!

P.S. It took me 30 minutes to get this done.  And guess what… I STILL WANNA RUN!!!

 

 

 

What a Week??!! Mind Dump

This week has been really eye opening for me.  I have learned and dealt with so much that right now I don’t want to deal with anything but eating and sleeping.  So I guess a mind dump is no order…

1.  Finding out who your friends really are is frustrating.

2. You can’t change people.

3.  Men are complex creatures and if not all, most seriously don’t have a clue.

4.  I can only be me and that’s it.

5. My kids had more summer clothes than I thought.

6. Near death experiences really don’t change people.

7.  My expectations of/for people are really high, but not unattainable.

8. Blogging is truly therapeutic.

9. Hindsight is 20/20.

10.  It’s time to make some changes…emotionally, spiritually, everythingily (yeah I made that up)

11.  I have been wanting to say for a while but didn’t “You maaaaaaddddeeeee it uuuupppppp!!!”

12.  Never hold in a vent, get it off your chest ASAP, it helps you curse less.

13.  I miss Saturday morning cartoons.

Well, I have to go now, there is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles calling my name.  Peace and hair grease.

The Cycle III (The End)

Sitting, she watches him sleep, wondering why she is here yet again. A glutton for punishment , desperate for companionship is the conclusion. The cycle must be broken, it must end today, she slips from beneath the covers that are trying to smother her existence. The covers that masked who she was, hid the woman she was meant to be. With each garment she returns to her body a little strength returns, a little bit of the dignity she lost when she answered the call whisks back into her being. “Grab your stuff and run baby,” she hears the voice of the woman who had been calling, praying, and encouraging her. Silently she thanks God for the moment of clarity, thanks him for hushing the voices calling her to her demise, thanks Him for never letting go. Stealthily she descends the stairs hoping not to arouse him, hoping to escape and not have to explain, at least not now, she wasn’t strong enough.

As the doorknob turns she trembles, turns and answers the call of her name in the darkness. “Where are you going? Why are you leaving me?” Struggling to find her voice, her will to stand, her will to walk away, she answers, “I deserve more.” It was a whisper but she said it, hot tears stream down her face as she continues to turn the knob, again she hears, “Why are you leaving me?” “I can’t do this anymore, the stakes are too high. You want me but don’t need me. You care but don’t love me. I am in your head but not your heart. I deserve more.” The battle of words begins with just that statement, she is fighting for her life, he is fighting to hold on. He won’t let go, but she has, she just needs to believe it. There is nothing there for her anymore. She knows she is worth more than what he is willing to give. No more will she be used, abused, and taken for granted. But, she has to believe it, she has to know that “I deserve more.”

Echoing in her ears, her mind, her heart, and most of all her spirit…”I deserve more.” Loved, needed, desired, adored, appreciated, and committed these are the things that were most important. They used to be prerequisites to her heart but some where compromise replaced them all on the list. Now, she held on to a dream, a hope, and an imitation of her desires. She gave her all he gave nothing. She sacrificed while he reaped every benefit, she blindly accepted sub-par knowing she “deserved more.” Willing her feet to move, willing her ears not to listen to the lies, the pleads, the empty promises, she turns the knob opens the door. The night air caresses her, soothes the wounds of the words that spilled out of the crack of the closing door…”You’ll be back. You need me. Nobody wants you but me.” “Hey old friend,” she whispers to the wind her confidant, her companion, the carrier of her prayers. She sent a message by this friend to the Friend, “Please give me strength.” Behind the wheel, key in the ignition she takes a breath listens to the hum of the engine…and escapes. She escaped with her life, her dignity, and the assurance that, “Yes, I deserve more.”